Nail Polish Nomenclature: I’ve nailed it!

Nail Polish nomenclaure: I think I nailed it.

The $6B nail industry is constantly striving to reinvent, renew and retool as they seek to engage the ever demanding American consumer. The constant change in package design channels the latest fashionable looks. This industry, in a nod to societal trends, offers recyclable packaging and has changed the way in which products are tested and delivered to market. With all this progress, what could be the next direction in enticing customers to buy more innovative products and convince them that these products are must-have essentials?

The industry needs to get more creative and target wider demographics. I dreamed up a marketing campaign that will surely reap billions into an industry which to me is as exciting as a bag of bolts and rivets.

My dream campaign focuses on nail polish names which need to be crafted with my version of wit, humor and irreverence. An indelible image along with a catchy moniker will cause a frenzy for the nail polish as soon as the email blast hits the inbox.

Here are my ruminations:

Halitosis? This nail polish might change that

HALITOSIS – Why suffer from coming into contact with Halitosis? This polish was designed to warn you when a fetid stench is about to spew out from a perpetrator’s mouth. The color on your nails will send a warning signal by changing from a beautiful ballerina pink to a putrid glowing green when assailed by a noxious odor. If you see your nails turn green, pinch your nose, do an about face and run for your life.

NAIL POLISH  for Gang Girls

GANG-LAND – This color is best suited for the woman who has Gang-Envy. If you feel the uncontrollable urge to protect your “turf” by icing someone with a nail gun, tattoo your face, speak “Slang-Bang”, throw empty beer cans in your back yard, and devise new ways to build better, more reliable portable meth-labs, then this color is for you.

Are you a Has-been-Actor?

HAS-BEEN-ACTOR – This color is for the actor whose moribund acting career has not left him or her with many opportunities. If you find yourself filming a commercial in Jakarta, Indonesia alongside Steven Seagal and a “B” 80s actress, then this color is for you.


Never! Always accessorize. Personally, I like to emphasize my dainty wrists with rhinestone Wrapstars. Gunmetal nail polish is the perfect antidote for the call against baring arms.

Right to BARE ARMS?

Bracelets by Jamie Kreitman®.

And finally for all the Environmentalists–myself included:

The nail “Eco-Pac” – This trio of colors comes in a stylish glam bag made from recycled newspapers with these colors:

  • Starving Polar Bear
  • Polka Dot Spotted Owl
  • Petrol Smothered Birds

Eco-Friendly nail polish for GREEN people

And Limited Edition:

For the suburban mom who downsizes from a tank-sized SUV to a hybrid car, you win a free bottle of Eco-Polish in “Prius Blue.

You may qualify even if the huge-assed bumper on your current SUV sports a number of stickers, i.e. multiple stick figures of indecipherable family members, “Proud parent of a Middle School Honor Student,” or “MOM-TAXI”. Realizing that the stickers are too wide for a Prius, we have designed a bonus FREE bumper sticker stating: “My other 2 SUVs have my other bumper stickers.”

Attention nail industry: No time to shilly-shally, reinvent yourself and sell, sell sell!



These are some colors I need to top off my nails with.

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  1. I m all over those gold earringd. u look like hot butch!!!

  2. Love this. Gangland is my fave. Just add rhinestones.

    • Thanks for the compliment. I just read your Twitter header and it is hilarious. Love your dig at fleece and sweats. We share the same humor and vision for what is acceptable in fashion. Don't get me started on fleece and mom jeans either.

  3. Awesome, awesome, awesome!!! Running for some acetone as we speak!

  4. Your awesomely hilarious! I love the "Has Been" Actor one!!! =)

    • Thanks Chloe. My fave is "Gang-Land". I was laughing so hard writing that you had to see me. Like a freaking lunatic. I love a lot of things in life, but laughter never gets old for me. Shoes, clothes, certain foods get old–never laughter.

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