Oh Shooot!!! I am having a knife fight with cake

Oh Shoot! I am having a knife fight with cakeGuns, violence and gangs have been portrayed in the media for decades. America’s fascination with violence, gangs and organized crime is a big money making business. I am mesmerized by movies and tv shows based on mob related activity. So I started to think, what is it about violence and the brutality of guns and other weapons that captivates us?

TV shows like the Sopranos, the History Channel‘s ‘Gang Land‘, the ID channel’s ‘Fatal Vows’ and movies like Casino, Goodfellas, Godfather and Donnie Brasco keep us riveted. But how is the average person easily lured into a life of violence, murder and apathy that causes so much collateral damage?

Rest assured, this post is not a commentary on the current and contentious issue of gun control and other pertaining matters. Instead, I wish to discuss how the media glamorizes guns and violence 24/7. I have become immune to what I see on TV and stare at the screen with a glazed look in my eyes. Nothing I watch on the small and big screen surprises me anymore. For that reason, I try to watch less of this genre. After watching so much blood splatter on the big screen, I don’t attach a story line to it. I’ve become so numb to the violence that I might as well be observing an abstract expressionist painting at the Whitney Biennial.

Recently I came across a few photos of vintage book covers depicting weapons as objects that exude strength, reprisal and glamour. For me there is nothing sexy about them. So I decided to recreate and reinvent these covers with a saccharin positive edge.

GANG GIRLS by Maisie Mosco

Wow! This gang girl is hot. If I were confronted by her in a bathroom in the pokey, or in a gas station after a drug drop-off, I wouldn’t recoil in fear from her pint sized knife. Rather I would ask her where she gets her hair done and how her pedicure survived a full out assault without even a hairline nick.

Gang Girls book cover by Maisie Mosco

1970s book cover via: VoicesofEastAnglia.com

Today’s gang girls look more like this. (This is me in my take on Gang Gals in this post.)

Gang Girl selling nail polish

Don’t they know that eye brows are the frame on a beautiful canvas? Shave those suckers down and you end up looking like a pared down crazed clown.

I would like to see girls in gangs spending less time knife fighting and more time doing positive things. I say: “PUT DOWN THOSE SWITCHBLADES AND TAKE UP A CAKE KNIFE. IT’S TIME TO BAKE LADIES.”

CAKE gang girls

Say NO! to human switch blade stabb-age. Say YES! to glutinous chocolate grabb-age. I would rather eat cake.

When you get the urge to knife someone, say NO! Stab a chocolate Bundt cake instead. Be careful though. After I pulled these concoctions out of the oven, a geyser of scorching fudge hit me in the face, leaving me with 1st degree burns. You really don’t need to protect your turf. Protect your confection instead.

Nothing scares me more than being confronted by a man dressed in a pin striped suit, floppy hat, 70’s sunglasses, dangling fancy cigarette and big-ass Tommy Gun. Yup, I believe this cat is more scary than the original “Godfather.” I doubt Marlon Brando would have worn this fashion mess on an assassins’ run. This reminds me more of Al Pacino’s character in ‘Scarface’, except that Al would be sunglasses-free, wide-eyed after a cocaine bender and shouting uncontrollably.

Conversely, why don’t we see “Godmothers” in mob movies? Further, why not disabled female ones? I have the right solution to creating a more positive outdated image of this Italian thug stereotype.

COSA CRIP NOSTRA – More demented than “the Godmother”

Mob boss and female mob boss of today

Instead of an actual Tommy Gun, I outfitted myself with a fuschia one made in China–not Smith & Wesson. Top off your gangsta outfit with an over sized floppy hat and halt those bullets from a ‘blazin. Antonio won’t know what the hell hit him. Trust me, he will go crawling back in fetal to momma in Sicily.

Pink is this summer’s most popular color so why not carry a neon pink plastic gangster gun? It won’t harm anyone and besides comes with this written disclaimer on the box. I am so grateful to all the Product Liability lawyers out there that helped write this pithy eye opening disclaimer. I did not know that wielding a plastic gun out in public might have a SWAT team descend upon me in minutes. Phew! Boy am I relieved.

Warning lable on plastic toy guns

In addition to carrying a plastic pink gun, let’s leave out the cigarette from this pictorial. Suck on a lollipop instead. This pomegranate flavored organic one from Trader Joes did the trick, stabilized my blood sugar level and saves me thousands a year in health care costs.

In closing, one of my wishes is that Americans become so weary from all the negativity perpetuated by the media that we stop watching it and create our own positive imagery to share online. Is it so difficult to create movies or tv shows based on positive role models worthy of emulating? Do train wreck shows like “Toddlers in Tiaras” or “The Bachelorette” really whet our appetite to waste time on indulging in a “guilty pleasure?” Been there, done that. They leave me empty, mad and unproductive.

How about some reality TV that is really positive, educates us and inspires us to carry a philanthropic torch? Here is one idea. Here are 5 kids who don’t spend their free time playing violent video games. Instead, after school volunteer their time in a lab working on ways to prevent, diagnose and treat cancer. Isn’t it about time we create reality shows about these kinds of innovators? Some day. Some day.

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