A friend recently commented on a photo I posted of myself onto Facebook. “We’ll use that photo for posters when you become dictator.” Hmm, dictator? I like the sound of that! There has never been a dictator of the United States. Perhaps with all the partisan quibbling, it’s time. So, I began to think of policies I would implement through my regime.
Of the many observations I have made about people, one remains salient. Though they graduate high school, socially, they still remain in high school clique mode. Despite achieving college and advanced degrees and progressing in their chosen professions, they still retain cliquish, parochial pretensions. They gossip relentlessly, pretend to be dear friends, only to stab in the back and betray a confidence.
So, voilà, my dictatorial policy of ZERO TOLERANCE. If you don’t follow it, you WILL be left behind.
Here are the new rules and regs to be instituted:
- THE LAPBAND: We have an obesity epidemic. With too many reasons to list, I declare this method as THE solution. Anyone who needs one, gets one. If your insurance doesn’t cover it, my regime will. If your doctor doesn’t consider you a candidate, then I will create an incentive based on your body mass index (BMI.) However, this isn’t a weight loss contest, which will only make you miserable and end in failure. People love incentives. So when you reach your goal within a set time period, you will get free stuff.
- FEMALES will receive Chanel’s newest Bagel Purse. Better to wear carbs over your shoulder than toting that extra weight around your waist.
2. MALES will receive a beard oil sampler kit handcrafted by Brooklyn Grooming. TEENS will receive sneakers from Van’s. On that note, I will command Van’s to bring sneaker manufacturing back to America, as they once had.
LIPSTICK. Don’t leave home without it. Not necessary to wear a lot of makeup, but lipstick is a necessity. Put the damn lipstick on already! I will work on distribution with Sephora and have a few makeup loving “It” girls (Paloma Faith and Gwen Stefani) represent my decree. They will help women and teens choose the government issued lipstick to suit their visage. Just think, a schmear on the lips is a quick and inexpensive way to look good. I will also declare that Sephora kiosks or lipstick vending trucks be established on every street corner next to Starbucks.
- PRISON: The corporate prison incubator scheme is coming to a town near you. Politicians love tossing people into prison for any reason. But now they finally realize the exorbitant cost of housing, forcing prisoner release before their sentences are up. I often think about the high recidivism rate and how ex-cons are forced to integrate into society seamlessly. Additionally, I have compassion for elderly cons who have a hard time finding work. So here’s my solution: The USPS has been struggling for years to stay profitable. In order to revamp their business model they should create a subsidiary and rename it as UNREPENTANT SWINDLING PENITENTIARY SENIORS! (Cons never admit they have committed a crime.) My design team will design a cooler, slicker USPS delivery system where the employees aren’t subjected to wearing drab blue uniforms with tired US logos. The uniforms will be smart, slick and inspired by James Bond with that Thom Browne-Hedi Slimane vibe. Imagine skinny ties, tailored suits and Apple issued gadgets to improve delivery.
My brain rattles 24/7 with ideas to steer this country onto the right path. I have shared a few ideas with you, but promise to deliver more in the upcoming months before I begin my reign as fashionable new dictator in November 2015. In the meantime, I continue to believe in democracy, but only when I call the shots. While I would love to hear your comments, I can not promise that I can implement all your suggestions during my reign.
I fear that a coup will be staged by the Koch brothers or others who rant and rave since the time President Obama wore a tan suit addressing Americans on TV.
I better move quickly, so take heed and don’t worry, the world will not end. You will be fitter and healthier. And you will surely be entertained by your USPS carrier who will share great stories he or she experienced in the pokey.
Most importantly, I am a beneficent, merciful tyrant and promise to never, ever kill you.
Your indefatigable, benevolent dictator,