Kicking back. It’s that time of the month…Tiara Time!

The other day I sat back pondering what to do with the bulk supply of tampons I purchased from Costco. Costco is the emporium of everything and anything in bulk supply. Whether or not you need 50 bars of Ivory Soap, 35 rolls of Bounty or a year’s worth of garlic powder, the whole concept is enticing. In general, it makes sense buying in bulk, except when you are a single woman with two chihuahuas, no kids. Who says things have to make sense? As you can imagine, my bulk supply ends up in an expensive storage unit collecting dust, cobwebs and an occasional critter. Nevertheless, I want to support a company that pays their employees a living wage, health benefits and enables women to buy enough bulk tampons to supply a sorority house for roughly a year or two.

So I couldn’t help but wonder how to put these these items to good use, with the objective of keeping them “green” and using them creatively. Perhaps I could email a photo of my recycled green innovation to the icon of the movement, Al Gore, and he will commend me for my gold star contribution! You see, Al is really my boyfriend in my dreams. Now, you’re probably wondering what green fantasy I’m conjuring up………..

A TAMPON T-I-A-R-A!

Tiara made out of tampons

Tampon tiara made out of tampons, pom-poms, and jewels bought at Michael’s Craft Store.

I adore tiaras and there is always an occasion to wear them, even to Costco! Backstory- one afternoon, on a jaunt to Greenwich, CT, my friends and I discovered an awesome vintage store, the likes of which I’d never seen before. After perusing the carefully pressed and immaculate collection of fine vintage clothing, my gaze fell upon the most dazzling display of sparkling crystal tiaras. I gasped for air; I must have one! Immediately I envisioned Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s“, staring longingly into the window of said store, resplendent with a crystal tiara gracing her delicate coif.

English: Cropped screenshot of Audrey Hepburn ...

English: Cropped screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the trailer for the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was a college art student, so the $50 price tag in 1991 was mighty steep. Thank God for layaway plans! I put my deposit down and scurried out of the store longing for the day I would be reunited with my prized jeweled crown.

It took me a few weeks to come up with the rest of the money for my tiara. When I finally went back to the store to make my final payment, I was in heaven! From that day on, I wore the tiara daily for weeks on end. I wore that dang thing with everything. It didn’t matter whether I was in sweats riding my fire engine red white-wall tire Pee Wee Herman bike with humungous handle bars. I might’ve been late to a drawing class but I was feeling every inch a princess. The tiara covered up the 1″ roots on my badly bleached hair and always helped me feel like Her Highness no matter what I wore.

Audrey Hepburn & me

Ok, so where can you wear a tiara? Or perhaps a more important question is: “What outfit should I wear with my tiara?” Here are two outfits I came up with:

Clean a toilet while wearing a tiaraWhat am I wearing?: Polka dot pony hair boots by Opening Ceremony, Bailey 44 Royal Rugby cutout top and St. John Jeans.
Tiara in bedWhat am I wearing?: Champion Sweatshirt, “Peace” Snuggie, Vintage Jamie Kreitman “Poppy” sweat pants, hot pink socks from Anthropologie and Crest 3-D White Strips.

So, if you are looking for a cheap perk-me-up, go out and buy a tiara. DIY decorate it or simply be daring and wear it in all its glory. Hey, ya only have one life, so just go DO IT! Doesn’t matter what others may think. Please your inner princess first and express yourself. My creedo: wear what I want when I want, have a great ‘tude and no apologies! If something brings a smile to your face, then that’s something special. I repeat, go out and DO IT!

Do you know what would really crack me up? I would love to roll /stroll into the HR department of Goldman Sachs wearing a tiara and a Vivienne Westwood tartan plaid nipped at the waist suit with 6″ high patent leather platform shoes. Whereupon I would present my resume on a silver platter I just whipped out of my wheelchair Prada backpack. Would they call the Feds on me ? Maybe hear barely audible golf claps in the background from overworked interns? Would they guffaw and say : “Ok, this one’s a bit nuts, but, shhhhhhhhhh LOVE her chutzpah and sense of style.”

Just an aside…the staff at Goldman Sachs could use a fashion consultant, by the by.

 

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11 Comments

  1. love saves the day

    March 12, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    You are hilarious girl ! XX

  2. There is no end to their usefulness. http://ca.screen.yahoo.com/mansome-episode-2-manp

    • Thanks for the link Stephen. What a great start to my Friday morning. I feel so much safer knowing I can survive out in the wild having a few tampons on hand.

  3. Omgggg lmfaoooo Magda dammit girl you should be a comedian!! I was not only lololol but I did almost have to run to the bathroom! Love your wit girl and love you Marilyn

  4. While the Guinness Book loves the historic implications of Audrey Hepburn appearing along side an equally fashionable “Audrey Lookalike” cleaning a toilet for the first time ever, as a new reader of your invaluable blog, I choose to focus on the fact that you have created the perfect chapeau for the upcoming “Tampon Olympics,” to be fittingly held near “Old Faithful” in Yellowstone National Park. Philip Treacy? Eat your heart out! You make no mention of it, but contestants from all over the outerlying areas of the country (well, there are no Costcos in the big cities), will showoff to the rest of us the sporting possibilities made possible only by the power of bulk buying, as you say. The events I’m most looking forward to include Tampon Table Tennis, Tampon Javelin Toss, the Tampon Pole Vault, Tampon Wrestling, Tampon Synchronized Swimming, Tampon Soccer, Tampon Water Polo, and that old fraternity fave, Tampon Beer Pong. I know I for one am somewhat jealous there’s no Men’s version. (Sniff) But? I’ll get over it, with the help of my bulk bought bathroom tissue.

    • Applause, applause. Thanks for writing a response to my post that made me laugh, Questor21. "Tampon Table Tennis?" Oh, if only. Hum, you are male and know who Philip Treacy is? More applause. The word on the street is that Philip is very busy these days sketching what Duchess Kate Middleton will wear on her head in the delivery room. My guess is Philip will take those terrycloth headbands tennis players use at Wimbledon and create a lovely fascinator for her. After all, Kate will need something absorbent so Prince William can help her wipe the beads of sweat pouring into her eyes just before the Epidural kicks in and the future king slides out onto a 1200 thread count pile of sheets. Carry on!

  5. I am tempted. Would tampons go with my purple highlights? Your post reminded me — in summer camp we figured out that we could wet tampons in the sink, throw them at the cabin ceiling, and voila — instant interesting decor.

    • Perfect. Yes, your highlights are awesome, Laura. Anyone can rock those. Just stand erect and say: "Yeh, purple? And? Do it." Your Facebook pic rocks. I would rather wear hats though.Touch ups on my mane are exhausting. Every 4 wks stinks more than a fine Stilton.

  6. This is THE MOST AWESOME-EST post EVER!! I'll never look at a tampon the same way. Thanks, Magdalena, for a truly uniquely royal insight!!

  7. amazing. simply amazing.

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