Americans are always on a mission to find ways to lower toxic stress levels. Some practice yoga (which I hate and has put me to sleep in front of an entire class), meditation (another snooze fest), exercise (REALLY? That lasts 10 minutes with subsequent munchies), sex (boring, unless you allow me to chomp on a hero sandwich), and numerous other pursuits.

For me, managing stress means analyzing and assessing fashion. Paris Fashion Week ended on Tuesday, March 7th and I have an Excel spreadsheet of data. How’s that for proof of my annoying fastidious Virgo characteristics?

I ponder details such as hemlines, draping, fabrics, colorways, styling of models on the runway,  music chosen for the catwalk and covetous accessories.

Without further ado, here is my rundown of what we’ll see at retail for Fall 2017:

SILVER:

I love the sheen and sleekness of silver. I prefer it to gold, which I find brash, but might come in handy the day our financial system implodes and we need it to barter for a loaf of bread.

FUR:

I want to be ‘less’ of a hypocrite by claiming I love animals, yet eat and wear them. For years I wore real fur, had an awakening and chose high quality faux fur instead. Do add faux fur to your wardrobe this fall and make sure to go overboard. I take my cue from the design brand ESTEBAN CORTAZAR. More is good, better, BEST!

COCOONING:

Americans love comfort, but this cocoon-swaddled-trend takes it to the extreme. This trend was designed specifically for hermits, introverts, or those suffering from narcolepsy, needing a place to lie down at a moment’s notice. 

HOODIES:

The hoodie is an unforgivable item of clothing. I don’t care if Vetements justifies charging $900 for one, or how innovative the silhouette is designed, or how it is constructed from a fabric crafted in a remote Italian village by artisan nuns. When I envision hell, I see its denizens sitting in hoodies, drinking Coors Lite, chomping sloppily on a McShitwich, wearing fur-lined calico trimmed Crocs for eternity. I will avoid hell at all costs. 

LEATHER:

There is something formidable about a woman dressed in head-to-toe leather. She exudes strength and self confidence. These days more companies are designing great quality faux leather, but stay away from cheap imitations, it looks ridiculous.

MIU MIU:

Miuccia Prada who designs Miu Miu as well as Prada, had me beaming over this collection. There is a naive, feminine, quirkiness to it, but it is the colors, clashing prints, big fur baker-boy hats and big, bold, retro patterns that I love most. Look at the cat print on the right model. Now that is a perfect daytime outfit designed especially for me.  Look at the middle model. Don’t you love marigold against orange? Mouth watering.

HUMPING FASHION:

Over the years I have exclaimed many times to friends: “Oh man, I am so going to hump that outfit.” At first my friends thought that I would literally hurl myself from my wheelchair, onto a pile of clothes and hump them, much like my Chihuahua humps her Ugly Dog toy (which has a big brown stain on the back, by the way). I am sure out there somewhere, there are people with a ‘fashion-humping’ fetish, who actually copulate with couture. I pass no judgement. Let’s just say, I understand.

My favorite item in this tableau is the hat worn at the Jacquemus show. This is what a demented matador’s hat would look like after being impaled by a bull; and then had a good ass-whooping by legion animal activist fanatics. Rightfully so. What kind of a macho, dandy asshole taunts a bull dressed in a gaudy pair of knickers, velvet bedroom slippers and tights? He had it coming.

Farewell fashion lovers. I have a future blog post percolating in the next few weeks, which will be completely bat-shit. It will involve my college friend who is my carbon copy. We dressed as lumber jacks in a past blog post. I am sure all of you do this with your friends. And if you don’t what the hell is holding you back?

Au revoir à bientôt. Tu es magnifique.

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