I AM PUMPED! For Valentine’s Day

My date with a male blow up doll

laughing with my male blow up doll

Your favorite TV show is the Golden Girls? Really?

With this impending super storm Nor’easter blizzard, NEMO, it is hard for me to plan for Valentine’s Day. With that in mind, here is how I prepare in anticipation of being housebound due to Himalayan mountains of snow. I lug my stash of storm ready emergency supplies from the closet which consist of scented candles, matches, flashlights, chocolate, salty snacks, a Chianti kit and…….my latest acquisition, an inflatable MAN DATE. You can’t fault me for not being ready for any occasion! I learned after Hurricane Sandy, that Man Date could be my lifesaver in more ways than one.

Though I might be house bound on account of the weather, and switching to snow tires on my wheelchair, useless, I am STILL intent on celebrating Hallmark’s biggest holiday of the year. And my guy, named Skip, is a dynamo in every respect, and a real Prince Charming.

Let me give you some of his back story.

Blow up a male blow up doll

Skip was delivered by the United States Postal Service. I used my wheelchair tire compressor to pump him up with air. What happens if the USPS stops delivering mail on Saturdays?

Skip is an environmental consultant specializing in urban redevelopment. He was born and raised in a small factory village in Dongguan, China and his family immigrated to New Jersey to escape the noxious fumes that local factories were emitting 24/7 with impunity.

Skip, Mom and Dad from China

Skip and his family achieved their “American Dream” in a one bedroom five story walk-up in Jersey City, NJ. They bought a Prius, a tumbling composter and a beautiful hypo-allergenic Labradoodle named Boomer.

While I am amorous of Skip, I would like to give you the Do’s and Don’ts to dating a male inflatable doll.

DONT’S
1. You can suggest massage or aromatherapy to reduce stress, but I do NOT suggest Acupuncture.
2.  While he is great with kids, do not let him float in a swimming pool. Kids naturally gravitate to him, and he has almost drowned on numerous occasions.
3. When you go into a toy store with him, for some inexplicable reason, he gets very anxious and his pallor becomes that of someone in the ER, attached to a stomach pump, on New Year‘s Eve.
4. The chest hair on a MAN DATE looks like something a Photoshop neophyte created in a high school Continuing Education program.  Don’t give your Man Date a complex, even though his chest hair looks like the Rorschach test your shrink gives you to see if you are a serial killer or not. If you see Nosferatu, Tim Burton, coffins and dead kitties, then you will probably appear on an episode of the Forensic Files.

Male blow up doll chest hair

Male blow up doll chest hair

Just in case he bursts or ruptures after an Acupuncture session, here are instructions on how to fix him.

Just in case he bursts or ruptures after an Acupuncture session, here are instructions on how to fix him.

DO’S
1. He likes to take drives past gas stations to make sure he knows the locations of tire compressors.
2. Buy him cologne. He has this crazy idea that he reeks of lead paint and toxic vinyl chloride. I find Gucci’s cologne for men masks his beguiling odor.
3. Low maintenance – once inflated, he’s good to go! Little input, no output. He somehow exists on air!
4. He’s agreeable to EVERYTHING. No guff or lip from him, just sweet nothings.

No one said dating is easy. As Joan Rivers often says, “He’s a man. Even if he’s lifeless, he’s still a man. Just bring him, prop him. Remember, he’s a MAN.” So, I am glad I had the foresight, as learned from Superstorm Sandy, to stash Skip in my emergency supply closet.  Whatever this NEMO storm may bring, I know I’m prepared for Valentine’s Day, even by candlelight!

Laughing with my male blow up doll

You can’t wait to watch the Oscars either? Wait? What? Meryl Streep is your hero too?

 

Drinking Heinekin with my male blow up doll

Arghhh, I really don’t care about the fiscal cliff, Skip.

What am I wearing? Red arm warmers by Jamie Kreitman®, Leopard sheath dress from Neiman Marcus, Red hat with curls by RetroReproHandmade, Art Deco necklace from Nordstrom.
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8 Comments

  1. Most amusing post EEEEEVAAAAAAH!!

  2. "Do not inflate for 20 minutes"? Haven't I heard that in a Viagra disclaimer? Have a fabulous VDay, Lady! You are all set and Skip looks content with that Heiny in his not-quite-a hand.

    • I need to make a call to my Polish seamstress to hem his cuffs. Really now. He can be quite a slob at times. Hi, VIAGRA!!!!! Love it Laura. And thanks for the Acupuncture line. That was all yours kid.

  3. PC: You made my Valentine's Day. Couldn't have gotten a better card from anyone!!!

    • Thank you my dear. All the best to you this cold winter. We were hit with a foot of snow and now all I do is bitch about the salt wedged into every groove of my wheelchair. I am a rolling salt stick.

  4. Are you trying to kill me?

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