Adulthood sucks. Make muppets so they can rule the world.

Don’t underestimate the ability of the adult brain to regress to childhood in the blink of an eye. I hate adulthood. True, it has its perks, but overall it’s a downer. Disappointments, struggles, responsibilities – these things leave me on the verge of Googling “Best way to tie a noose.”

It’s great to take a break from adulthood. So now and then, my BFF and I revert to life as 10 year olds by channeling the Muppets. We watch them on the small screen, play with them and then cackle endlessly. Now, we can create impromptu videos of us acting like fools and share via social media.

One recent weekend she called me up bursting with excitement to announce:

BFF: Holy shit! You are never going to believe what I bought today at Toys R Us!

Me: Hum, let me guess. Creepella, another Goth doll to add to your heap of bleeding horror dolls which sit in a dusty closet next to all the other dumpster diving dreck?

BFF: No! I bought us two Muppet kits. You can make your own Muppet. They are already made, but you can interchange its hair, eye balls, outfits and nose with ones that already come in the kit. They cost over $100, but are on sale for $40. How are these still available? Doesn’t every kid want one?

Me: Make something? What country are you living in? The majority of American kids don’t make squat. They excel at watching Youtube videos of hamsters wearing tutus drinking out of miniature cups and listening to a 20 minute litany of a 17 year girl’s Target shopping haul. Maybe we can show America how to have fun, which does not include an iPad, bong, or waking up from a drunken haze with panties tied around your head.

BFF: God, could you be any more sardonic?

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably.) Sardonic rhymes with colonic. When you engage me I think of my intestinal tract and how it functions. Let’s make Muppets and think of names related to the digestive system or something even better.

The majority of toys manufactured for children are purposely made to self destruct in two years. I had low expectations about these fuzzy Jim Henson-in-a box creations, but ended up clapping enthusiastically when I laid eyes upon what my BFF brought.

Unbeknownst to me, Toys R Us had collaborated with NYC toy institution, F.A.O Schwarz, in creating this high quality product. I burst out laughing since I had worked there my freshman year of college. I showed up to work so hung over, that I burrowed under 3 feet of plush toys in the storefront window and fell asleep. Miraculously I was never fired!

what not workshop muppets - how to make a puppet

I was gobsmacked when I saw how these kits are beautifully constructed and packaged.

Cheese and the digestive system can sometimes have a rocky relationship and one which I ponder daily. Even though I am lactose intolerant, a world without cheese is truly a world without sunshine. For that reason, I chose the name Fontina for my muppet.

My second inclination was to transform into a living muppet in order to relate to Fontina.

Pretty Cripple dressed up as a Muppet.

A friend commented “Wait which one is you?”

To convince you that I was once a Muppet in a former life watch this video.

How do you inject excitement into routine weekend rituals such as watching TV, drinking next to sodden barflies or attending sporting events?

My BFF and I are full of contradictions. Though we might choose to act juvenile, don’t be fooled. With the flip of my Gatorade hued wig, we debate whether America will ever successfully build a fast-rail system, why the right to privacy must be enforced even further and my fave, 100 different ways to wear sweatpants with swagger. It’s tough being an adult 80% of the time, so I relish finding creative ways to bring on a seratonin high. The good thing- it doesn’t have to involve heroin, a bottle of gin or an indiscriminate liaison in the back of a Dodge Ram. DIY a Muppet instead. The risk is benign and a helluva lot happier!

One final note, as proof that my idiosyncratic BFF likes to collect dreck, earlier that evening after creating muppets before dinner, she insisted on buying this chipped mannequin arm from a homeless man in NYC. When we arrived at our Peruvian dining destination, she placed the God-only-knows-what weird skin-eating disease this object had on the table as a center-piece. I demurred with one profane gesture by adjusting the jointed fingers to convey my message loud and clear.

What best friends do on a Saturday night. Purchase a mannequin hand in NYC from a homeless person

Just what I have always wanted, a chipped mannequin hand as a center piece.


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