woman shaving her beard with shaving brush

Unfortunately, bad news from family, friends and the media bombards me on a daily basis. It’s tough to stay positive in the midst of grim news. Nevertheless, I have always felt that no matter what life throws my way, I need to wade through the sadness and then seek happiness.

Several months ago, a friend confided that he is getting a divorce. It felt like a punch in the gut, but immediately I dished out some helpful advice for an old friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin.

Immediately, I made him laugh when I suggested that he join an online dating site as a diversion and which provides the best cheap source of entertainment. For most, online dating can be a very sorry option, serving the public’s need for immediate gratification. It is a repository for losers, cheaters and liars, clueless about courtship. But it also a source for wickedly humorous people-watching. On a lark, I encouraged him to venture into this world and share the available posts so I could offer advice from my vantage point.

Oh dear, I had no idea it would be THIS bad. This lineup of bestial mountain women with insipid profiles was something you might see in Walmart aisles. Why would so many women post such unflattering photos? Their profiles and photos are evidence that there is legion of women who are apathetic, sloppy and delusional. I’ve gathered some advice to impart after analyzing their posts. For starters, here are several pointers:

  1. If you are obese, put on a flattering outfit, dammit. Snapping a photo of yourself braless in a tank top, looking down at the camera, highlighting your triple chins, is not advisable. Washing and brushing your hair and putting on some makeup wouldn’t hurt, either.
reenactment of ugly woman in a dirty bra

Here is a photographic reenactment of one of the women spotted on my friend’s online dating match. I pulled my greasy hair back with Argan oil and hair clip, brushed down my eyebrows, drew in some dark circles in Photoshop, feigned a smile, put on a taupe dirty bra and shot myself from the waist up  to try to fake 3 chins. (I almost broke my jaw attempting this.) If I had to give my alias a name it would be, Marybeth Ferne Ackerman.

2. Shave. Please, shave! Guys do not like women with five o’clock shadows. Shave your pits too. Woodstock took place decades ago.

woman with beard trying to act seductive and pretty

In this shot I tried to replicate one gal with a 5 o’ clock shadow posing seductively. She even wore a lovely coral lipstick. Make sure never to maintain your eyebrows. Let that shit grow like southern kudzo. Let’s give her the fitting moniker, Uvula Ta’Shonda Vanderbacon.

3. Unless you are a runway model in your early 20s, there is no need to snap a selfie closeup exposing your moles, acne and overall ruddy complexion.

homely woman with fake moles replicated from chocolate whoppers

Unfortunately moles can be difficult to remove or disguise. Mole removal is usually a cosmetic elective surgery,  so Barry Obama will not help you pay for it. I used last Easter’s chocolate whoppers and taped them to my face to give you an idea of the closeup of one potential online dating suitor. If you have moles, get creative. Why not use some non-toxic neon paint to gussy them or bedazzle them? Let’s give  this beauty the name Jill Gunther Picklesmire.

  1. Smile. One of the photos was of a woman who looks like an alcoholic for over 30 years. She had dark circles, complexion ruddy and a face that screams “I need you to be my therapist and enabler. Which bar should we meet up?” Or maybe she had been drinking her town water that has been poisoned by a multi national company for several decades and the side effects are finally exposed.
alcoholic female blogger

If you are posting photos to an online dating site, it is advisable not to post photos of you drinking or laughing with a bottle. If you look like someone who imbibes 3 bottles of wine a night for 10 years, use concealer, drink lots of water and for God sake use a rich moisturizer, since alcohol depletes you of moisture and vital nutrients.  Let’s give future 12-step program lady the name, Ludwiga Herman Hedwig.

5. Stop group photos and wearing sunglasses. What the hell is wrong with people? Who are you in that group photo? At least draw an arrow to indicate who you are. And, please, lose the glasses. Whenever men and women wear sunglasses it indicates that you are hiding something. Lastly, it does not make you look cool.

bad and ugly special occasion dresses

Here’s a dating site group photo example and what you should not do. Who does the online profile belong to? Where do I even begin with those dresses? They look as though they were created by a 80 yr.  old seamstress who resides in a rural town (population 350, with the nearest hospital 1.5 hrs. away), who used the lining from one of the coffins in her family owned funeral home business. The lilac dress is better, but that outdated tradition of strapping a bouquet around your wrist has to be buried once and for all. By the way if you need a proper dress you should rent one on RenttheRunway.com.

My list goes on and on. Are American women so far gone that they have given up on life and look for someone to heal them? No. You need to heal yourself before you drop your bags of empty bottles of gin into someone else’s lap.

I imagined that these online accounts were fake and created to toy with men and give them a good laugh.

 So, I was inspired and decided to work on a few photos of my own. I would use these pictures to establish a fake online dating account. All good fun on a Saturday night, hanging with a group of girlfriends, enjoying hours of belly-aching laughter.

I close out this week’s blog post with an out-take from my photo shoot. I try to be as efficient as possible with time (a Virgo trait), so I brought my shaving supplies with me for a lunch date with a friend. After enjoying our waterfront Greek meal, we ventured into the parking lot, where I applied shaving cream all over my face. Lucky for me that all of my friends are game with assisting me and joining my antics. There is never a wrong time to create art. Stay creative, nurture it and lose the embarrassment gene.

wheelchair blogger with shaving cream on her face in a parking lot.

I should have included my blow up doll, Skip in this tableau. The towel in my lap is what I used to remove the cream. I always come prepared.

Over and out.