Life with a wifi margarita machine

I have made it through another year and still have a pulse. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is a surreal, tortuous dream, from which you never wake up and you are transported to unchartered territory.

August is the month when I was sprung from my mom’s cervical launch pad and during which I analyze my existence, my life journey and what my organs must look like at this stage of life. I also remind friends, family and strangers that August 31st is my ‘special day’. I love wheeling up to strangers and stating, “August is my birthday month- what will buy me? I have a registry on Amazon and Can I send the links to you?” Most people crack up, but others wiggle and contemplate calling the cops.

I am very generous to myself in August and treat myself to a brand new “birthday outfit” and other items which I proudly show off. I post images of the new purchases on social media for widespread oohs and aahs. This month, I made two purchases that will delight both me and you and truly worth sharing.

1) My Wifi-Margarita machine.

2) Statement necklace by my fave costume jewelry designer, Shourouk.

A Wifi Margarita machine is my latest, most coveted purchase. This contraption, albeit slightly bulky, makes frozen drinks on the fly. Here are some places to concoct cocktails on the move:

MOVIE THEATER – Beverages in theaters are overpriced and contemptible. Why not slurp your frothy Patron-infused cocktail instead of banned sugary drinks or unpalatable wine in a plastic cup? This machine is best run during action-packed CGI movies, while buildings are blown up and M-16s firing. This machine wasn’t designed to be used during slow, talkie Indie movies about unrequited love or foreign films starring Catherine Deneuve.

Prettycripple sitting in a movie theater sipping a margarita

Oh look an ocean deluge has just swallowed Texas in her entirety. The 5 minute cacophonous sequence is the perfect time to mix another margarita.

  1. THE DRESSING ROOM AT NEIMAN MARCUS for cripples – You all know I love to shop. The Neiman’s dressing room is the size of someone’s NYC studio apartment. I like to invite friends to the dressing room for a party, where we try on the newest fashions while sipping cocktails. Have you ever purchased clothing ‘under the influence?’ The colors appear more vibrant, the dresses always fit and everything looks glam-rock gorg!
  1. POOLSIDE – My condo has a nice pool, but sitting near screeching kids and the prattle of poolside moms, forces me into an alcohol-induced coma. My godson joined me this weekend with his mother and brother, so I was forced to sit poolside. Is there anything more numbing than watching kids swim?  Why would anyone bestow the title of GODMOTHER on me? I have to admit my godson is funny and with it. He “gets” fashion and thinks women shouldn’t wear flat shoes because heels “look sexier.” Um,yeh. He is only 10 and used to ask his mother, “Mommy, does Magda live at Neiman Marcus?” If only, kid! I think Neiman’s needs to build luxury suites just as sports stadiums have VIP boxes for team owners, season ticket holders and celebs. I envision this a suite/box to be furnished with a velvet chaise, tapas buffet, a stocked bar (with said Wifi Margarita machine) within reach of the chaise and a masseuse on call after a particularly exhausting shopping spree. Get on that, Neimans!

sitting angrily sipping margaritas poolside

If you drown I can not save you.

The second item I purchased is this costume jewelry necklace by Tunisian designer, Shourouk. Everything this woman designs results in this post coital facial expression. I have been eyeing her creations for about a year and have finally settled on this neon Swarovski hand-painted bibelot.

Shourouk neon necklace


How do you celebrate your birthday? Do you indulge yourself or do you put yourself last? August can be a birthday month of dread because it signifies an end to summer. So far I have had a swell, fun summer. I am healthy, have wonderful friends and am invested in my community 24/7. I believe in ‘paying it forward’. Therefore, I am ENTITLED to a bounty of goodies such as Wifi cocktail machines, a luxury suite at Neiman Marcus and an endless supply of artisanal cheese and crusty bread delivered to my doorstep by someone who resembles Michael Goode wearing nothing but a Speedo®. Now if that visual doesn’t conjure up a fantasy, I don’t know what will.

I’m concluding this week’s post with this gif a friend sent of Julie Andrews in the “Sound Of Music” singing rounds in an idyllic surrounding. These quirky high jinks make me laugh out loud and remind me that life can be hilarious and ridiculous. So, go with the flow and make it as zany as possible.