Christmas on the brink, losing it on the holidayEvery year before Christmas Eve I fast for a few days in preparation for my big fat Polish family dinner. This multi-course meal often puts me into gastric peril and can require having my stomach pumped at the ER. Dinner with my big family is such an epicurean feast, that it could pass for one of Emperor Caligula’s extravagant days long bacchanalia. My aunt is an amazing cook and excels in Pierogis, my favorite staple. The Pierogi has sadly been distorted in America and often resembles dough laden monstrosities in the shape of an 80s diaphragm. I am a Pierogi aficionado and know that authentic ones should have a paper thin casing which melts in your mouth, be properly sized, contain recognizable ingredients and are to be distinguished from those in your supermarket freezer section.

Diaphragm compared to Mrs T's pierogies

Did Mrs. T’s pierogies company model their doughy monstrosity after the 1980s ultimate birth control device–the diaphragm?

If you tasted my aunt’s cooking you would forgive my gluttony. Surely, I am not alone and many of you can relate to the after effects of indulgence. So this year I would like to introduce an indispensable product that will spare you the humiliation associated with gastric ailments following holiday feasting.

Just a Drop Bowel Disorder Spray for the hoiidays

Just a Drop Bowel Disorder Bathroom Odor Eliminator Spray is by far the best odor obliterator ever. This spray can make a stadium full of decomposing elephants smell like the Rose Day Parade. (Yes, in case you were wondering that is me. Don’t you love my Victory Rolls hairdo? Here is the video that taught me how to master what could be mistaken for 2 exquisite French pastries sitting atop my head.)

After my family finishes dinner, we head to the living room to hand out gifts to all my little cousins. The adults don’t buy each other gifts because it would be too costly and there is no point. Besides, I can’t tell you how many gifts I have thrown into the trash or thrown into my local Salvation Army bin over the years. Instead, we create a theme and buy a gift for a grab bag. This takes a couple of hours and the most coveted gifts are always based around alcohol. There have been times when my male cousins have almost gotten into a fist fight over a bottle of cognac.

Every year I am realistic with my Christmas wish list and find that I am better off buying myself things which will make me ecstatic. This year however, I created a new wish-list which I desperately want to fulfill, but will come upon many road blocks, especially by zealous animal activists.

Endangered Species Christmas Wish List 2013

Elephant trunk scarf

Ahhhh, I quake thinking how warm this blubbery, crepey, ridged mass might feel coiled around my long, emaciated neck.

Real authentic silverback gorilla halloween costumeLastly, here is South East Asia’s, Slow Loris. Slow is an understatement. Do you know any other creature that responds to food presented to them by hand without alacrity? This slow moving fool deserves to be turned into a pair of winter warming socks. I love cashmere socks, but have a feeling nothing will warm the wedges of ice–that I call my pig hooved feet–like this deform-eyed weirdo with a venomous bite. Neiman Marcus needs to add “Slow Loris Socks” with laser cut leather trim by Alexander Wang at $50,000 a pair to their mouth-watering holiday catalog. Watch this video to see this creature in action. Don’t let those bulbous eyes fool you. He is the reincarnation of a cute, diminutive version of deceased actor Marty Feldman.

I am pretty sure I won’t get that elephant trunk scarf under my tiny Christmas tree, so I created a realistic fashion wish list of my current favorite designers.

small christmas tree with male blow up doll

Here is Skip, my male blow up doll, my miniature Christmas tree on top of my fabulous lipstick red Geneva Sound System. This is a slick wireless, MP3, CD, FM/DAB+ amplifier all-in-one. The Swiss do these things right. I am thrilled that this company continues to expand its offerings.

The holiday season can be very depressing for those with no family or have recently experienced a tragedy. I always feel blessed knowing I have a large group of relatives who are amazing, whom I can count on and who make me laugh.

I rarely shop at big box stores and have bought everything online since the late 90s. The crush of holiday traffic makes me weary and exposes the unfortunate ugly and careless nature of people in mall parking lots.

I don’t really understand why people have to act like savages, camp out a week in front of Walmart to buy a stack of $2 towels. This is not what Christmas is about. And don’t get me started on the never-ending garish Christmas displays on suburban lawns. Since when did those hideous puffy, air filled loud, cheap looking Walmart balloon decorations become acceptable? There is a line between tasteful and absurd. It is a shame that most of the lawns I see have taken absurd to a higher level.

Ugly Christmas suburban lawn ornaments

Thank you Jesus for allowing the Federal Reserve to keep interest rates abnormally low, in order to allow me to sully my obsessively trimmed, chemically ridden, suburban lawn with cheap, tasteless, overseas-made dreck.

I have few Christmas ornaments in my house. Big trees and lights stress me out practically bringing on a seizure. Other than hat and shoe boxes, the thought of more stuff invading my space gives me a panic attack.

I found a much more exciting way to use Christmas lights than strangling the trees or the gutters of your house. Choking yourself with lights (as seen in the top header title image) not only relieves stress that the holiday season brings, but suits a better purpose. Exercise caution if you plan on doing this. I not only burned myself, but also left puncture wounds in my face. Auto asphyxiation is not a good way to end the holiday season.

Merry Christmas everyone, eat well, be happy and be thankful for what you have. We surely live in a land of plenty.

Chi Mihara shoes on Pretty Cripple.

Merry Christmas from me and Mirdle the Chihuahua. Every year I buy new shoes especially for Christmas. Chie Mihara makes beautiful shoes made in Spain at a terrific price point.

Red Chie Mihara shoes with checkered heel

Chie Mihara. What a comfortable shoe and incredible price for the workmanship. Go Chie Go!


Marty Feldman in Mies en scène

Marty Feldman in Mies en scène (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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