Dating in the age of Corona

“It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.” – R.E.M.

“It’s the End of the World As We Know It” written by the band R.E.M. was one of many anthems of the cool kids in the late 80s. My friends and I belted it out proudly with our latch-keys swinging freely around our necks. We didn’t give a shit about much back then and existed in a state of bliss. But somehow over the decades after having witnessed catastrophic events and seismic global shifts we are viewing events from a wholly different perspective.

At present, in the throes of the Covid-19 virus pandemic, I wonder if this is in fact ‘The End of the World.’ No, I don’t want it to be. There is more life to live despite it feeling like the entire planet is enveloped in a black cloud.

Recently, I returned to the online dating world with hesitation. Little did I think that a pandemic would put a damper on my dating life.

Let me preface this post by expressing the sadness I feel for my fellow humans and the suffering they are enduring due to this plague. As a permanently disabled person who uses humor to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, my goal is to get through life’s curveballs with laughter. So forgive my humor in the face of adversity.

A week before the fit really hit the shan, before Covid-19 was officially declared a pandemic by NY’s Governor Cuomo,  before NYC’s Mayor DeBlasio ordered Broadway, restaurants and theaters to be shut down, I was fixated on buying a ‘first date outfit.’ This was of paramount importance at the time. I needed to look fierce and fabulous decked out in Farfetch.com’s finest. I searched high and low for three years for the perfect red leather jacket at the right price. Yes, you read that correctly. THREE YEARS. Looks like I finally found one.

I sought high-and-low for a red leather jacket for almost 3 years. Thanks Peuteray for hooking me up. (Pronounced PET-ER-RAY.) I have also searched for a mustard yellow colored pair of slacks (don’t you love the word slacks?) I describe this yellow as “1950s Geriatric Urine Yellow.” I would like to pitch PANTONE and ask if this could potentially qualify as a commercial color. Maybe have them rename to: “1950s GUY” (Geriatric- Urine-Yellow.) Thanks J. Crew.

Fast forward to today, when we are forced to embrace the term du jour, social distancing. Unfortunately, too many people, like the rejects on the beaches of Florida, flout these health directives and make the situation even more dire. Shame on them.

I choose to be Covid-19 free by abiding by CDC rules, but I still want to date. Therefore I have opted to Skype my suitors and delight them with my irreverent sense of humor. I prep them for a fashion show, twirling around in my chair wearing what I would have worn for a first date.

Wheelchair Disabled Fashion in the age of the Corona Virus
Thanks Zara for this fab tshirt, even if it was manufactured by indentured servants.

I think we have entered an era of self-centeredness and need to consider those around us. The world doesn’t revolve around oneself. Why do we have a loneliness epidemic? Here are my thoughts. Put down that phone. Look someone in the eye and listen to what they have to say, no judgment. Stop trying to impress people. Either they’ll like you or not. Get involved in your community for a lasting impact. Don’t worry about what others think of you. I never have and never will. It has made me the non-basic-bitch that I am today.

Finally, what are you doing to stay sane during this unprecedented time? I’ve been wrangling my closest friends for a Zoom ‘Happy Hour’.  Last Friday evening, my friend Debbie and I did just that. We laughed uncontrollably for two hours over a bottle or two. Here’s a snippet:

Debbie: I learned recently that I can’t have more than two martinis.

Me: Let’s put that to the test during our Zoom’octail hour!

Debbie: The time has come to sing Barry Manilow. OMG.

Me: Do you think at least 180 million Americans will need AA within 18 months of this Corona C*unt Virus? I envision FEMA being enlisted to set up trailers across America to help house all the bloated, ruddy, irritable masses in need of 12 step programs. Please, dear God, don’t include me.

Debbie: Do not worry about tomorrow. I can give you Zofran. Chin up Cripple.

Ya know, I had visions of Ivanka testing positive and propping up her fake titties to get a proper lung scan.

Me: Choking on white wine as I cackle uncontrollably- wine dripping onto my t-shirt worn for five days straight.

Sometimes you have to go with the flow.  Like the flow of wine which was delivered by someone in the food industry who ekes out a living. I am deeply grateful for the delivery of food and wine to me. I am sending good vibes to all my followers. We are all going to get through this. 

Be in GOOD HEALTH!

Ending this post with one of the thousands of hilarious pandemic related memes.

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