Desperately seeking prettycripple.comI write a blog post once a week in an effort to engage and attract more followers. Pretty Cripple is powered by WordPress, which comes with many useful plugins to help me gauge vital information. For example, I’m able to determine the number of followers, first time viewers, return viewers, posts and links being viewed, and which search terms are used by people to find my site.

If a blogger wants to publicize their blog, it is crucial to research Search Engine Optimization (SEO) and use search terms germane to their post, so the blog can be found. For example, if I write a post about New York Fashion Week, then I include in my browser’s title tag and post these keywords: “New York Fashion Week”, “Fall Fashion 2014”, “Fall 2014 trends”, etc.

Most days, the search terms used to find my site which Google deems relevant, are terms I expect. However, some days Google fails to deliver what people are searching on account of the varying logarithms. Some search terms are so funny, bizarre and outlandish that inadvertently I come upon searches for sexual or life style aberrations!

Here are my current three favorite search terms I’ve discovered used by those seeking enlightenment from my site. Yet, they fail miserably.

Trash bag in my assThis one threw me for a loop and then I realized that in this post I wore a trash bag over my head with a scarf tied around my neck. I happened to be making fun of Craig Green’s Fall 2013 men’s line. One ensemble he designed looked as if he created it with wrinkled garbage bags. How did the word “ass” tie into that search term which led to my post? No clue. I have to wonder what else that person might have experienced. For instance,–and let’s assume that person is male–did he wake up after a Ivy League college hazing with a trash bag in his bum? He must have been ‘bummed’ and asked Google: “what do I do if I wake up with a ‘trash bag in my ass?”

Trash bag in my ass fetish visiting ThailandOr perhaps, it was a Wall Street Wolf who’s unhappily married and wants to get his freak on by having someone insert a garbage bag into his man cave? Where to go for that special moment? My bet is a weekend trip to Thailand.

She need wheelchair wearing glassesNot only does this person not know how to conjugate a verb, but seems to think there is a niche market for specialized eyeglasses made for people in wheelchairs.

Well, I Googled it and that term doesn’t exist. Attention CEO of Luxottica Group: maybe you can start designing eye glasses for the disabled and over charge them like you do for all the other glasses your company designs. Ahh, the beauty of having a monopoly in the eyewear industry.

I couldn’t help but think that maybe ‘wheelchair glasses’ are not intended for humans, but for actual wheelchairs. Perhaps when all the disabled people are in their slumber, wheelchairs come alive like Cars (the animation), put on their ‘wheelchair wearing glasses’ and go out to an all-night rave club in NYC. I don’t blame wheelchairs. They have a tough job spinning their wheels all day long. Then imagine factoring in a big, fat sweaty ass sitting on you all day. Now, that calls for some downtime getting high in a night club.

Eye Glasses for wheelchairs

Laugh at the crippleDo people laugh at cripples intentionally? Hum, I can’t blame them. After all, those who don’t fall within the superficial, ignorant, unreasonable matrix of beauty and physical ideals should be taunted, laughed and mocked. Let’s face it, people whose legs are replaced by wheels are weird. Go ahead and laugh at them. They will be happy you are even paying attention to them.

Laugh at the cripple. Make fun of the disabled. On a final note, there are way too many obscure and hilarious search terms to mock in this post, so you will just have to stay tuned for more down the road. Trust me, they get weirder and weirder. And just when you think there is no possible way there can be a fetish for something–well,–guess again, there is.