If you follow my blog, then you must know I don’t fall for gimmicky, non-holidays such as Mother’s Day, Friendship Day, or Grandparents Day.
Do we really need to be overburdened by the ceaseless dictates of corporations? Thanks, but humans don’t need to be conditioned to perform mechanically. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could think for ourselves and reward or acknowledge someone of our own volition?
As someone who has always been defiant and rebellious, I consulted my BFF, Mini, how we can circumnavigate a day typically celebrated with gold embossed cards and crappy ceramic mugs, to instead create our own satirical version of a Mother’s Day celebration.
First let me clue you in about our moms. My mom hails from Warsaw, Poland and Mini’s mom hails from Coventry, England. They STILL have accents, even though they have lived in America for over three decades. Are those accents really necessary after all this time spent living with us? Can’t you do more to sound less “foreign?”
Another thing you should know about “moms off the boat” is that they don’t mince words and are extremely direct. Here are some conversations we have had; and sometimes still do with our moms:
The list is endless, but somehow Mini and I have waded through the good, bad, ugly with humor. Further, we have demonstrated that by expressing our individuality, without succumbing to the demands of our mom, opportunities have opened, which otherwise would not have manifested if we chose to unleash our progeny into the world.
So this year we decided to honor our moms by expressing ourselves as we do best – through our outward appearance. There won’t be reservations at a 4-star restaurant or a dozen roses from 1800-Flowers awaiting our moms.
Instead, feast your eyes on the most outré Mother’s Day ensembles we manufactured to take out mom. We will remind her that even though we didn’t produce her with offspring to dote upon, we are creative, ridiculous, hilarious women who share their genes. Therefore, they just need to accept us for who we are.
Given the choice, which outfit choice would you prefer to wear this Sunday?
Make mom’s day by wearing a ‘Zero Fucks’ necklace (small version listed off this link. You need to inquire about buying my big-letter version.) when you take her out to a lovely brunch. Don’t forget to dye your hair pink. I used “Pravana Chroma Silk Pastels”. After about 15 minutes of watching her glower, show her the ‘End of Days’ necklace you bought her. Perfect for old-fashioned Catholic moms. She will leave with a smile on her face.
OR: My BFF, Mini in:
2. Tea time brunch with mom, while sporting a beekeeper outfit.
Mother’s Day idea: Mini thinks it would be appropriate to serve her mother brunch in her yard alongside a tree stump, while wearing a bee keeper outfit the entire day. What pisses off mom? Another gonzo idea that makes absolutely no sense, but affords us hours of gut-breaking laugher. Instead of a scepter, grab a rake and just stand there all day leaning on it. Don’t forget the polka dot stylish galoshes.
I love the fact that Mini’s husband shares our gonzo humor. He suggested he tie a noose around his neck and hang from the tree behind her just like ‘Harold’ in the cult classic movie “Harold & Maude.” Mini immediately rejected that idea.
Here’s a video that won’t make my mom happy, but you know what? I really needed that pair of Miu Mius.
Whatever idea you can come up with for mom on Mother’s Day, just know a few things:
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Today’s Americans live longer, which means they will face myriad health issues and become more ornery over time.
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Life is ridiculous. The more creative and insane your sense of humor, the happier and healthier you will be. Laugh, live in the moment and tell mom, you love her, even though you drive her nuts with your incendiary, inappropriate humor.
