Women who wear beardsDo you have a girlfriend that when you get together, laughter is so intense, continues for hours and by the end of the night your body aches? This kind of friend finishes your sentences, will laugh, rolls her eyes and move on to the next topic in response to an incendiary remark.

I have such a friend from my college days. She hails from the west coast and I see her twice a year. When we get together, I splurge on boxed wine, at least 5 different types of gourmet cheese, a shared obsession and enough carbs to absorb the wine so we can move on to the next box.

Last visit, I was so excited to see her, but decided we needed a change in our normal routine of gossiping and talking with mouths full. Recently, I ran across this vintage pulp fiction book cover from the 60s that had me laugh out loud. I adore anything that is campy, taboo and has many avenues for reinterpretation. This book cover stuck in my mind and gave me an idea how to spend my next visit with JJ.

Warped-Pulp-Fiction-book-coverOne thing that has me completely perplexed is the newest hipster men’s mangy beard/moustache trend. While I am not the biggest fan of excessive facial hair, there are so many creative ways to style facial hair with moustaches. Instead, what I am seeing are guys growing bushy beards and wearing flannel button down shirts, zip-down hoodies, bland shorts and the most unattractive sneakers imaginable. Since when did looking like a lumber jack become cool? And when, pray tell, will this trend end?

Here is one example of the way men are styling themselves in the Brooklyn/New York City area.

Brooklyn Bearded guys Lumberjack hipsters

A bar full of handsome gents posing as lovers of lumber. The only thing missing from this photo op are axes tied to the back of their rented Citi bikes. (Photo credit: Thomas Prior for New York Magazine)

Here are the only reasons you should sport this look:

1. You work for the timber industry.

2. You work for Public Utilities and top-trees so Verizon can improve their optic fiber network

3. You’re out getting skunk-drunk in protest of missing NFL Sunday Football the night before ‘The Wife’s’ deadline to clean out your not-been-cleaned-in-10-years garage.

4. You’ve just emerged from the Appalachian Trail after a six-month solo-sojourn with your animal rescued shelter dog.

5. You’re an Iditarod regular.

6. You’re the genetic offspring of Grizzly Adams, and your DNA just can’t help it.

Here are examples where men incorporate facial hair with stylish looks I love.

Men with moustache hipster trend

Now these are some suave looking bearded men. They don’t appear to be practicing “Lumber Love”. These loves have won my heart in addition to a free nasal clipper/beard trimmer set.

A campy book cover and bearded men? I knew there had to be a way to combine the two to make an interesting evening for JJ and me.

It then came to me, we would dress up as lumberjack-Jills and reinterpret the campy pulp cover. But instead of two incestuous sisters with unfurled ample cleavage, we would style ourselves to look as unattractive as possible. We would become lumber jack ladies who would practice “Log Love” in a Brooklyn hipster sort of way.

I had my work cut out for me. My friend Kathleen helped me fetch some logs washed up after Hurricane Sandy on the edge of the Hudson River. Then I ordered an axe, beards and moustaches from a online costume shop. Lastly, I knew merely one hour’s worth of laughter would make us peckish and thirsty for suds, so I bought a can of Cheese Whiz, Ritz crackers and Red Stripe beer.

When my beloved college buddy JJ arrived with husband RR, we embraced and got right down to business. They both had jet lag, but I could have cared less. I was on a mission to create the greatest display of “lumber love” by two women there ever was for the world to see.


Before an arduous photo spread we started off by opening up Kraft’s Easy Cheese. Umm, don’t you just love bright-dyed liquid cheese that squirts out of a can?

Here is the result of our spoof on that pulp book cover shot on location in my bedroom.

Girls dressed as lumberjack-jills. girls in beards

women dressed as lumberjacks squirting cheese

Mmmmmmm, cheese sprayed directly into my mouth.

girl chopping off her leg

Can you amputate your own leg with a plastic axe?

lumberjack-jills resting after chopping wood

Oh man, was that as good for you as it was for me? Mmmmmm, lumber.

girls with axes in bed dressed as lumberjacks wearing beardsAfter several hours passed JJ’s husband, RR who was forced into photographing us against his will, threw his hands in the air and ran from us. Of course that didn’t stop us. We were so hyper with adrenalin pumping through our weary lumber bodies, we had to continue the mayhem. We needed to create short bios for our alter egos.

Here is what went down:

Prune Juice Doyle bearded woman lumberjackJJ became PRUNE JUICE DOYLE:

Prune Juice is a sixth generation tree remover, coming from a long line of what she proudly calls “lumberjills” –including the historically infamous Grits MacArthur, who too few people know as George Washington’s babysitter who double-dog dared him to cut down a cherry tree less he lack American-sized testicles. A personal friend of Paul Bunyon, Prune Juice Doyle likes to let off steam by chopping wood, building fences, and flippin’ flapjacks for the logging camp. Faced with treehugger criticism, Prune’s response is “So, you DON’T like wiping y’arse with TP?”

Pretty Cripple dressed as a lumberjack with ChihuahuaMagdalena became SQUIRREL CARTER:

Squirrel Carter has a MLA (Masters in Lumberjack Arts.) When she isn’t chopping down Doug Firs in British Columbia, she is an avid reader of Field and Stream magazine, a proud member of the NRA, consults ex-Vice President Dick Cheney on modern advances in hunting weaponry and wrestles bears in Montana to work out her upper body. When she wants to challenge herself she wrangles bison during mating season, typically August and September when the males are particularly aggressive. In her down time she is a master Sequoia whittler, and has created humungous outdoor installations of dismembered possum, coon and household vermin which have been exhibited at the Whitney Biennial.

After hours of laughing and writing our bios, we had to go to bed. It was 5am and we just couldn’t laugh anymore.

Lucky for us, the scent of bacon woke us up 5 hours later. RR ever so kindly brewed coffee for us and knew the only thing we could stomach was bread fried in pork fat and cheese. Having that much fun isn’t easy on your body. We even looked at each other and asked: “Is there anyone we know who can come over and give us a blood transfusion?”

It is so damn sad saying good bye. I hate good byes and usually after JJ leaves I am melancholy for a couple of days. There has to be a way for us to see each other more often, some creative venue to show our twisted perceptions on life that the world can witness. What might that be?

Got it. We need our own TV show on cable television. I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of zombies and anything to do with dead people who engorge themselves with living human flesh. I can think of something much more sick, demented and will create quite a fright for people of all ages: JJ and I will have our own show called “Lumberjills – A Lumber Jack Uprising.” Picture us brandishing axes, dressed in our male getups and terrorizing every sector of the U.S. Blood, gore, saw dust, fly fishing, you name it. Nothing is off limits. We will include everything in this burgeoning torture, terror, lumber-laden series.

Hell, we will even create the hashtag #LumberJackJillUprising on Twitter. Seriously who cares about employment, Obamacare, Jennifer Aniston’s newest chopped hairdo, or bankers getting prosecuted for fraud and malfeasance? Women who pillage towns obsessed with collecting lumber is much more enticing.

If you have any suggestions how to make this into a reality, please leave a comment in the section below. In the meantime, don’t just sit around playing Scrabble or watching movies with your closest friends. Create scenarios you can photograph and remember for life. I don’t know about you, but I am happiest when I am creating things that make people either shake their head or smile. Go on, have a whack at it.

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