I have always wanted my own butler. Wouldn’t it be nice for someone to answer at my beck and call, serve me hot soup when I have a cold, clip my toe nails when they start to resemble talons in the Velociraptor family and fold my adult-size roomy Hello Kitty panties.
For decades in America, a middle class family was able to afford “a housekeeper”, think Alice from the Brady Bunch. However, in the last 25 years fewer families were hiring them and substituting household help with slothful teens who demand $10 an hour, but end up sitting on your couch texting all night. You’d be lucky if they deigned to wipe the fridge clean. Consider the $10 per hour fee to be in actuality $20, when you factor in the consumption of your Smart Water supply and gluten-free crackers shmeared with just ripened French Epoisses from Whole Foods at $20/lb. No bargain, eh?
Most recently the word “butler” has resurfaced in popular culture because of the popularity of Britain’s hit series “Downton Abbey“. The series depicts Britain’s early 20th century aristocracy, notably the Crawley family and their extensive household staff. I am a huge fan of the show, completely drawn in by the costume design and the hopeless solipsistic nature of the characters who are assisted in every aspect of daily life. The female characters can’t even remove a string of pearls from their necks without assistance from their personal maids.
Butlers continue to be a topic of conversation as evidenced by the box office hit, “Lee Daniel’s The Butler“. This film was inspired by the real-life Eugene Allen, played by Forest Whitaker as an African-American who works as a butler for 34 years in the White House. Stars such as Oprah Winfrey, Liev Schreiber, singer Lenny Kravitz, Cuba Gooding Jr. and John Cusack are also in this exceptional film.
The cog in my head started turning even faster when I read the woeful US employment rate hovering at 7.2% this week. Butlers, unemployment, what can we do to tie the two together and get the economy going in America?
Presto! One more recent story led to a genius idea that would merge butlers and employment.
You probably heard of the unfortunate debacle this week regarding Obamacare (AHCA) and the failure of the law’s Healthcare.gov website to enroll people in a health insurance program seamlessly through its health care exchanges? I can’t escape reading about the celebration of glowering Republicans across the nation gloating that this new rollout is a tech nightmare. The entertainers at Fox News pounced on it as if their ivory tusks had been removed at gun point by people on food stamps. They all have used the word “glitches” so often to describe the website failure, that it deserves its own Facebook page–www.Facebook.com/GovernmentGlitchesUnderObama.
Butlers, employment, health care exchanges? Hum, it then came to me. How do we create more jobs, especially for the Millennials who will be paying off their student loans until they receive their first Social Security check? How do we encourage more people to enter the noble butler profession? Lastly, how do we further expand social entitlements so that this country can finally implode in order for everyone to wake up, become modest stewards of the land and do without excess?
Two words people. BUTLERexchange. I would like to see President Obama create a program that allows Americans to hire a butler with tax subsidies by attaching this nascent program to Obamacare. Every family or individual in America should be ENTITLED to a butler.
Here are some of my forecasted benefits:
1. You will now have more free time to spend on Facebook
2. Lonely? Depressed? Look at the elderly for example. They are living longer, sometimes displaced and all their friends have died off. A butler would make a perfect companion.
3. Americans work hard and often both members of the family have to work. A butler would make their life easier, thus allowing them to have more leisure time, which reduces stress, which then makes it easier to kick their prescription drug habits.
4. Over 30% of Americans are obese. Wouldn’t it be nice if your butler could yell at you like a drill sergeant. “Put down that box of Twinkies and move your spongy ass around the block!”
Now I know you are asking what every member of the Tea Party will ask. How will such an aspirational program pay for itself? That is where I need your help. Once most Americans are on board with this, Democrats and Republicans are obligated to meet our demand. (Green Party? Libertarian Party? Please, don’t bother. I am a member of the People for Pork Rinds Party.) Of course there will be income requirements, but ultimately it should serve a minimum of 46 million citizens. I would also like my program to include illegal aliens, many of whom toil 12 hours a day for under $10 an hour, so you can purchase a bag of tomatoes for under $5.
Therefore, I am rolling down to Washington DC in the coming week, headed to the White House front lawn hoping the President will hear my cry for help. I think he will be amenable since he has his own butler funded by tax payers.
I am so dedicated to this cause that I started a new website called: www.BUTLERexchange.com. It is there you will be able to see how this leviathan will serve at least 46 million Americans.
I know this might be too complicated for most people to absorb, but I have a feeling that if I could get the members of the Tea Party to embrace this social entitlement, everyone else will climb aboard willingly.
In fact, I am so certain that my newest brain-child will be as popular as Medicare among seniors, the Tea Party will rename it’s party to the TEABAG PARTY: “Taxed-Enough-Already-Butlers-Are-Good.”
Thank you for your consideration. Now let’s start Tea Bagging everyone, even though women might have some trouble doing this.
Spread the word on Twitter. Use #ButlerEntitlement to get this party going.